“He’s hard.” a deep voice rang out over the intercom. “Ladies, put your hands together for Officer Mike Nasty!”

 

Roaring cheers and applause filled the room as Mike slid down the stage. The usual crowd, plus a few new faces, also usual. Mike gave the women the show of their lives, pocketing thousands by the end of the night. He left the building confidently, knowing his performances only ever got better. In the parking lot, he smirked at the sight of his bike. A magnificent, police issued motorcycle gleamed in the moonlight.

“Let’s ride, Sally.” he exclaimed as he patted the back of its body.

The following morning, Mike awoke just before his alarm and got to the precinct early. Cops greeted him as he entered strutting, knowing he was the man.

“Get in here, Officer Turner.” commanded the chief. Mike was quick to enter, as always.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I need you at a crime scene, they could use another set of eyes.”

“On it, chief.” Mike felt useful, important. He hopped on Sally and drove to the scene immediately.

Mike entered the tape outside a suburban home to see a family torn to shreds. A wall of their home was ripped off and he saw scraps of flesh everywhere. Blood covered the walls and one of the detectives told him that traces of the two missing children’s bodies were found in a nearby abandoned lake.

 

This was not a typical scene for Mike. He was the man who leapt from car to car in police chases. He chased bad guys in a wingsuit. He entertained women for money with his body. This was a horror he never imagined. He wondered why he was sent to this case, as it was well outside of his purview.

“Sally, come get me.” Mike demanded, standing at the missing wall. Sally was a bike, so it waited on the street while a few confused officers glanced at Mike as if he was nuts. He hopped on and went straight to his club. Though it was daytime, he couldn’t think of anywhere else to get the drink he so needed.

“Whiskey, neat, make it a triple.”

“You got it, Officer. On the house.”

“Thanks Brewsky.” Mike replied. The bartender’s name was not Brewsky, and they had worked in the same club for over 10 years. 

By nighttime, Mike was mathematically drunk. Thirty triples deep, he couldn’t count how many fingers he had on one hand. Brewsky regretted saying ‘on the house’.

Mike slumped down, still manly, but much less so. A voice over the loudspeaker caused him to posture up. “Please welcome, Officer Mike Nasty!”

Again thunderous applause. Mike stood from his stool and kicked it over, the ladies in the crowd smiled and laughed. Then he fell on the edge of the stage and dragged his body up. They were less impressed by that. One of the women yelled, “Do the slide!!”

Mike went backstage and gathered himself before putting all his energy into the slide. He launched forward and lost control. Directly into the faces of his audience Mike flew. Then he stood up and demanded tips.

“You gotta go Mike, you’re a mess.” Brewsky warned.

Mike nodded and stumbled out of the club.

“Sally?” he looked around, waiting for his motorcycle to appear. “Sally!?”

People on the streets avoided Mike as he shouted for his missing bike, though he walked by it many times while searching. His mind was clouded with the images of the poor family at the crime scene. He couldn’t believe anything could be so evil.

Finally, Mike located Sally and drove to the precinct. It was nearly morning, and the chief was already in. 

“Mike!” the chief yelled as she watched Mike stumble in. “You can’t be at work like this. And you never reported back yesterday. I’m sorry Mike, you’re done. Hand in your gun, your badge and your key.”

“You can take my gun and my badge, but my Sally… that’s her choice to make.”

“Whatever, keep the bike.” the chief just wanted him out.

Mike rode Sally for days after his double dismissal. He drove on mountain and desert roads outside Big City until the nightmares came to a climax. He went to every thrift store and electronics dealer and picked up any police scanner he could find. When he got home, Mike plugged them all into one outlet, and was shocked violently. All the scanners stopped working, and he was blasted across the room.

 

When Mike awoke, he could hear all the scanners still. He checked each one of them. They were busted. The scanning was taking place inside his own head. The electrocution augmented his brain, allowing him to tune into police affairs.

To the precinct Mike went. He looked at the chief, and unsure of what to say, he squinted at her for a few moments, wondering how to explain himself. As if his thoughts were communicated to her telepathically, she reinstated him, getting up from her desk to proudly give him his badge.

“You’re one hell of a cop, Turner.” she said enthusiastically.

Mike squinted at other cops too and it seemed he could make any of them do his bidding. He tested this on the mailman, squinting at him for minutes, but the guy just asked one of the other officers to please help him. Enough messing around, Mike thought. 

Mike hopped on Sally and followed the first report he heard. Though tortured by the aftermath of those heinous acts, he would make certain to thwart the advances of evil whenever possible. Officer Mike Nasty was not just back on the force, he was the force. He realized he left his gun with the chief, but luckily, he was carrying a few extra pistols.

“We go fight Beemon now?”

“Agh, not just yet big guy. Dracula’s out there. I got a sense about it.” Tombs reminded TUM about the target of their current mission. Then he turned to Dracula’s Dog as they walked down a dirt road, “You’d like that, huh?”

Dracula’s Dog grumbled softly, floating with one of TUM’s drumsticks held in his mouth proudly. He was frustrated at their progress. Months had gone by and several countries explored where Tombs had leads on the vampire king. Dracula’s Dog knew he couldn’t find Dracula alone, yet still felt held back by his companions who were bound to the ground. He then wondered whether that was even the case. 

“WOOF!” Dracula’s Dog handed TUM his drumstick, walked ahead and turned around to face T & T. “WOOF WOOF WOOF.”

“Chatty.” Tombs laughed dryly.

“What you want?” TUM asked, being the primary target of the barking.

Dracula’s Dog flew up and down quickly, then landed and walked slowly to demonstrate how sluggish their pace was as a unit. He flew so far in a few seconds that T & T couldn’t see him past the horizon. Then he returned in the next few seconds with blood on his fangs.

“I see.” Tombs translated for TUM. “He thinks we’re slow… and that you’re clumsy.”

“Clumsy!?” TUM readied a drumstick at his belly.

“Whoa whoa whoa.” Tombs put on a sincere face and continued to jest. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”

“Ergh.” TUM grunted and calmed down, realizing Tombs was kidding.

Dracula’s Dog kept barking, urging the two to figure out quicker transportation.

“Next stop is Big City. Good shot we find him there. Let’s do this TUM…” Tombs approached TUM and waved his mace. His body became a black dust that flew into the giant’s mouth and his eyes opened wide and flooded with black.

TUM opened his mouth and a screaming, screeching disembodied Tombs shouted from it. “Point your belly at the ground, big guy.”

Even Dracula’s Dog was a little scared by the voice. He wondered if Tombs could have given instructions beforehand to avoid it. TUM positioned his body so that his drum faced downwards.

Again, Tombs’ voice emerged in the most unsettling way possible. “Turn just a smidge left, and have at it.”

TUM did so, and the blast from his drum shot him so far he couldn’t see the ground anymore. He passed through clouds and looked straight into the upper atmosphere. As he began to descend, he saw the ocean beneath him, and land nowhere around. Dracula’s Dog caught up with ease and followed behind, but had to dodge a shockwave as TUM struck the drum once more.

After a few beats of the drum, Big City came into view. The famous heights of the Cloud Corridor were at Tumbo’s level as he passed by, heading into the suburbs on Tombs’ order. A tap of the drum allowed for a soft landing outside a middle class neighborhood. Dracula’s Dog landed beside and Tombs reformed outside of TUM’s body calmly.

“Never again.” demanded TUM.

“You think I wanna be inside you?” Tombs said, then pointed at Dracula’s Dog, smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Not my fault our friend here’s a freak.”

Dracula’s Dog had a sense that something was nearby. He was confident it was his master, his tail began to wag excitedly.

“Yeah, I feel it too. Relax a beat, this don’t feel right.” Tomb’s said, examining the area as they strolled.

On their journey, towns and suburbs usually would react to the sight of the trio. TUM was the main source of attention. Typically, people would grab their children and run inside, locking their doors and covering their windows, peeking through the peephole or uncovered sections of the windows where they felt they wouldn’t be seen.

In this neighborhood, people weren’t just not reacting negatively. They weren’t reacting at all. Everyone around was just staring at the wanderers. Parents and children stood as if they were playing outside, but they acted as if they weren’t even alive.

Then, Dracula’s Dog noticed something. On each person’s neck were two puncture wounds… bite marks. He knew with absolute certainty then that they were in the right place.

People began to walk towards the trio as they approached the last house on the street. It was just like all the others, though they knew it belonged to the one they sought. Dracula’s Dog flew between two neighbors that were closing in, leaving Tombs and TUM to fend for themselves as the carnage began.

Undercover meant something very different for Officer Mike Nasty. He found it difficult to form attachments with all the women who begged for his love. The only ladies he would wake up in the morning to were Lady Justice and Sally. One woman Mike hadn’t yet tamed, intriguing him so, was his precinct’s new Captain. In the mornings, he would stare in one of his many mirrors and grind on the air, mouthing out her name ‘Oh, Captain Stacy’. He planned to seduce her by bringing in some big name criminals, thereby gaining more accolades, her respect, and ultimately, her desire.

A bulletin board inside Big City Sheriff's Office displayed all the biggest nuisances to the citizens as well as the more elusive wrong-doers. Mike saw Gilberto Matute on the bulletin board and his face shook the big man to his core, even knowing Gilberto was locked up.

“He’s still doing it.” an officer said as she noticed Mike staring.

“He’s locked up.” Mike acted as if the officer was mistaken.

“His body is.” the officer stated and walked away.

Mike didn’t think anything of the brief interaction at the time, but he held it in his memory. On the most wanted list, he checked out all the bad boys and girls that he could take down. A shadow of BD was all they had beside his initials. Too mysterious, Mike thought. He’d go after someone he could locate easily and prove some grit in defeating. Puff was reported to have left the country, so he wasn’t an option. Nothing on the list seemed to jump out at him, so he left the Sheriff’s Office and placed a call.

HardStop quickly arrived at the Officer’s home.

“What do you have for me, Mike?”

“I need a mission from you. Give me some names. I need to bring in someone big.”

“Are they threatening to fire you or something?”

“No, no. I’m their number one Officer. They’d never fire me.” Mike got defensive, forgetting how many times he’d been released from the force.

“Then why are you looking to go after my caliber of criminal?”

“Whoa whoa whoa. Your caliber is right where mine is, tin man.” Mike jested. HardStop chuckled and Mike smirked. “My new captain is an absolute smoke-show. I gotta win her over.”

“Maybe talk to her.” HardStop suggested. The both again broke out in laughter. “Alright, why don’t you try finding Killer Kite. She’s been using her goons as decoys to evade me. I don’t have the time or patience for his games. The last robbery I know of from his crew was Big City Casino. Start there.”

“Thanks, Henry.”

“Don’t forget that invitation. Bring Sally.” HardStop reminded him to join him at the arena sometime.

“Copy that.”

Officer Mike Nasty had given up on Killer Kite once HardStop got involved, expecting a quick incarceration. He rode Sally over to the casino and flashed his badge until he reached the general manager’s office.

“Officer, I don’t know why this needs to be reinvestigated. HardStop showed up right after they left.”

“He sent me. Now… how much did Killer Kite take?”

“Her crew cleaned out the small chamber of the safe. They got away with fifty million.”

“You need a better safe.”

“There is no better safe. What we need is a police department that catches criminals.”

Mike stood from his chair. “Careful how you talk, huh?”

“Relax. I’m glad you’re here. They left through the roof. Rode their kites into the sky as we had weapons ready at the vault door.” The manager walked Mike into the chamber. “See that?”

“Boom.” Officer Mike Nasty exclaimed, taking a torn piece of kite string from the jagged hole in the ceiling.

“Only noticed it today. Some hero HardStop is.”

Mike shoved the heavy man against the wall in defense of his buddy. “And you?” he asked, keeping as calm a demeanor as ever.

“Just catch the kite crew. Get my money back.” The manager removed Mike’s hand and wiped off his jacket.

“No promises on the money.”

Mike hopped on Sally and rode towards the factory district, showing all the local manufacturing plants the string to see if they knew its origin. One worker told Mike to meet him there at night for the info. He went home, then returned when the sun went down and waited outside to see if the guy would show.

“Sounds like you’re looking for us.” A woman's voice came from above.

“Hah.” Mike knew some shenanigans were afoot. “Thought you were tough to find.”

“Not for a low caliber vigilante.”

“Leave my caliber out of this. Are we gonna dance, or you just want to follow me to the precinct?”

Killer Kite cut Mike off by slashing at him with the leftmost kite of her three. The middle one kept her in the air and the one on the right was in her hand.

“Let me stretch a bit.” Mike said, blocking the paper thin, metal blade kite with the barrel of his pistol, which received a large scratch from the strike. The villain looked in disbelief as Mike did one leg squats with one leg up on Sally. She tried to take advantage of the Officer and slashed with her other Kite.

“Nice moves.” Mike said. He lifted his leg even higher, flashing his flexibility and allowing the kite to swing under him and Sally. He quickly mounted his bike and began to ride, which caused the string of the kite to become wrapped up, yanking it from Killer Kite’s hand.

“Idiot.” she growled.

Killer Kite’s frustration at losing her kite caused her to leave the fight as Mike rode down the empty industrial warehouse bays. From those bays came a few other flyers of the kite crew. Some walked and some flew over to him as he parked up.

“One at a time, ladies.” Mike stated to the male majority of enemies. “Be right back, Sally.”

Officer Mike Nasty removed packets of oil from his pockets and loaded them into the barrels of his two pistols. He shot at all the kites surrounding him, covering everything and everyone in oil, including himself. As everyone closed in on him, Mike slid past the crowd and shot up at their kites again. He unloaded bullets until all the kites were tangling together and the crew was gathered in one spot. Then he shot a single bullet at the ground, causing it to burst into flame along with the group.

Mike’s own trail of oil was alight, so he wiped his feet calmly and stepped backwards so that it reached only a couple inches ahead. He watched the beauty of justice burn down the enemies up until he was satisfied. Then he tied the strings to Sally and dragged the entire kite crew to the precinct to be booked.

“You couldn’t bring in Killer Kite?” Captain Stacy scolded Mike. He noticed her hand was wrapped poorly, looking as if she had some sort of rope burn.

“Captain Stacy, your hand…”

The new captain subtly moved her hands towards the back of her waistband. Mike quickly drew his gun, pointing it directly at her. It was a stand off.

 

Officer Mike Nasty’s precinct watched as he and the captain squared off. He stood with a stone face, a pistol in each hand pointed at the wolf in cop's clothes. Officers watched in confusion, hesitant to pull out a gun against the hero or their captain, unsure who was the enemy. Mike scowled at the onlookers and assessed his situation. He’d have to expose her as Killer Kite before winning over the others. If things went south, he would reluctantly control the other cops - a power he assured them he never would use.

Mike dropped his guns, keeping his hands where they were. With his feet, he hacky sacked the pistols towards the captain. She was caught off-guard and swung at them with one of her main kites, severing the barrels of each gun. The precinct gasped and drew their weapons at Killer Kite. Everyone had a moment of realization, matching the captain’s face to the unmasked villain they’d seen on their most wanted list for years.

“This was fun!” Killer Kite laughed, deploying a large kite which flew her through the ceiling.

“How’d you figure it out, Mike?” Officers asked the hero.

“She had no interest in my body. That means she was either blind… or evil.” Mike answered.

Everyone rolled their eyes at Mike and rushed outside, seeing where Killer Kite was headed. She was already out of sight, so they returned to work and placed a call to the Big City Sheriff’s Office to inform them of what happened. Mike stood from his desk as everyone else was seated and he did some pushups, preparing for the end of his shift. While he was on the floor, he heard slashing and liquid splatter. He rose from the ground to see all of his fellow officers had been cut down by delayed kites that Killer Kite planted.

“Damn.” Mike stated, standing in the center of the precinct, surrounded by death. He whistled for Sally to come, then walked to the parking lot to ride her. “Killer Kite’s ridden her last gust of wind.”

A phone call came as Mike drove aimlessly. The Sheriff of Big City, Tango Monday, began shouting over the phone. “Get back to the precinct, Mike!”

“Hah. Orders. I don’t like orders, Mr. Monday.”

“You’re a police officer. Orders are THE ENTIRE JOB!”

“Justice is the entire job.” Mike replied. He could feel the Sheriff losing his patience.

“Mike. If you pursue Killer Kite, I’ll have you flagged as a vigilante. She was the only thing stopping me from doing that before.”

“Vigilante. Funny word for badass cop.”

“YOU’RE DONE, MIKE!” the Sheriff yelled as the call disconnected.

“Guess it’s just you and me now, Sally.” He tapped his faithful motorcycle and continued driving.

Mike found himself back where he defeated Killer Kite’s goons. He had no leads and figured if this was where they were stationed, maybe she had reason to return. The mess he left hadn’t been cleaned. Trucks in the cargo bays still operated, they just drove around the pile of bodies and kites. Mike stepped off of Sally and ran a finger through the ash below the corpses. Then he touched it to his tongue.

“Dead.” Mike declared, as if the state of the bodies wasn’t enough indication.

Back on Sally, he sped through the loading docks, unnecessarily sliding under a truck. On the other side of the truck, he hit the brakes and allowed his back tire to swing around. Ahead of him was Killer Kite, hovering with a devious smile. Mike took out his pistols and aimed them at her, but she put her hands up and floated down to where he was.

“You still want me, Officer?” she asked seductively.

“You’re a cop killer. A low-life criminal.” Mike replied.

“So…”

After ten rounds of wild love-making, Mike mounted up on Sally once again and aimed his pistols at Killer Kite. “Go to the police station. Turn in your kites.”

“You know I won’t do that, Mike.”

“Then this was a mistake.”

“Love is a mistake?”

“Hah. My love’s reserved for a lady named Sally.” Mike looked down admirably at his motorcycle. “Now let’s go, Sally.”

“It’s a motorcycle, it can’t hear you.” Killer Kite held her head painfully.

“Then why is her engine running?”

“Because you’re revving it.” Killer Kite lost her patience. “Alright. I’m done, Mike. Retiring. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“Oh, you’re just gonna quit?” Mike asked. Killer Kite looked at him incredulously. Mike realized he was asking a criminal to return to crime and sped off to distance himself from doing so.

Back at the precinct, Mike met Captain Gerk, his new captain and new officers. Joining them was Tango Monday, face red with rage.

“Did you find her?” the Sheriff asked.

“Found. Disposed.” Mike replied, trusting Killer Kite would actually retire and not make a fool of him.

“Good. Now turn in your badge.”

“Mr. Monday…” Mike looked at the Sheriff to gauge the severity of his disobedience. “...Take the badge. There’s another seared into my soul.” he said, strutting out past all the new faces.

That night, during a steamy performance at the strip club, Mike’s phone rang. Captain Gerk begged him to return.

“Mike, we need you.”

“After 7 PM, it’s Mike Nasty.”

“Mike Nasty.”

“See you in the morning.”