Theodore Relativo, renowned physicist and theorist, fell ill just before the summer of 1955. News of his death troubled the world as it was clear there would scarcely ever be a mind like his again. His contributions to the scientific community were immeasurable and his theories were proved correct consistently following his ‘death’.

Though reports were clear that Theodore had passed, the truth was that he had not. A shadowy world government set in motion a plan to preserve his body until they could find a source of longevity in efforts to harvest from Relativo more knowledge. Their plan was successful, they had found medical solutions to sustain his life, so it was time to wake him.

 

Inside a metal chamber, buried deep within a mountain, Theodore Relativo’s incapacitated body was lying still, bathing in light. This method of preservation kept him exactly as he was the moment he entered. Two men lifted the heavy metal cover and set it to the side. They reached inside and grabbed Theodore’s arms to pull, as he woke slowly.

BUMP

Theodore woke up a couple days later surrounded by scientists and suited government agents, a little dazed. One such agent began to explain what had happened.

“Mr. Relativo, it is an honor. My father and grandfather worked on this project. They made it their life’s work to ensure your survival.” she took a deep breath. “Apologies, our men went to pull you out carelessly and they hit your head on the metal chamber.”

“Thank you for your and your family’s dedication.”

“Of course, sir.”

“I feel…different. It seems I can think so much clearer.”

“I’m not sure how that’s possible. We had to perform surgery on your head to seal it back up. If anything, I’d expect some cognitive decline.”

Theodore paused for a moment to consider some variables before the agent spoke again.

“Anyways, that’s good news. If you’re ready, there is work to be done. A lot has happened since your time.”

“This is my time now.”

“Ah, yes. My mistake.”

 

The two smiled at each other and approached a large room with scientific equipment. A large window viewed down into a particle accelerator, but Theodore was more focused on the glass itself. The scientists around spoke for a while while he studied his own reflection, which was distorted and enlarged. He was asked a question and snapped from his distraction.

“What is your theory, sir?”

“I have grown significantly, to a strange, almost monstrous degree. I believe as well that the contusion I suffered has enhanced my cognition." 

The scientists around looked at each other extremely confused. It was becoming apparent that the truth was quite the opposite, but they noticed something strange. Theodore’s body was growing. He was expanding to look just like his image was distorted in the window. He continued rambling his ‘theory’.

“To truly give you all the knowledge you require, I must maximize the effect of trauma to my brain. By my estimate, ten strong blows to the skull will bring my capabilities to their ceiling.” He slammed his head on a nearby steel beam ten times. The room was in shock. Theodore looked in the mirror again and his hair was wild and distorted by the glass. “It appears as well that my head has shrunk as a result of the damage. Perhaps a side effect of my new brain power.”

Clearly, Theodore was completely wrong, though every ridiculous theory he posed had been proven true. The government agent he spoke to before approached him cautiously, looking to neutralize him by bringing his attention to science.

“Mr. Relativo, please tell us how we can access this other universe.”

“Ah, yes. If we are to visit the other universe, we must first dance.” Theodore grabbed the agent and waltzed for a moment. She placed her hand on her head, frustrated and defeated, believing all her family’s efforts were wasted now. “And we must jump.” They both jumped, Theodore’s size causing a few nearby objects to rattle and break. “And finally, whistle.” Theodore tried to whistle, but was unable to recall how with his faulty brain. The agent, however, was able to follow the instructions.

 

A fiery portal appeared at the agent’s feet and she fell with a surprised look on her face. The scientists and agents in the room came near as the portal closed and then applauded Theodore.

“How did you figure that out?” one of the agents asked.

“Huh?” Theodore replied, genuinely forgetting what just took place.

The government recognized the power of the reborn genius, and planned to use him for much more things, but he had bigger plans. Out of the mountain and off to Big City he went, pursuing a career as an egg-layer. In his new, oafish, moronic, brilliant form, he would be known to all as Theorem.

Theorem perched stoically in a corner of Big City Park atop an egg three times his size. As the most successful egg-layer around, he was surrounded by others trying to follow his lead. None had the ability to lay eggs like Theorem, so they all admired his skill. Notoriety served him poorly however.

The notorious crime boss BD got word of Theorem’s hatches. As the son of a single mother, more than anything else, he wished to be a father. Alas, the world he resided in was not his own. The dinosaurs in this world were long gone, and though he had enough money to get one cloned from old DNA, he’d have to launder it all first. That, he didn’t have the time to do.

BD assumed that, because the eggs Theorem hatched were so large, there was a chance it could be a dinosaur. He figured that even if it was just something non-human growing within, he’d adopt it and become the father he yearned to be.

At midnight, Theorem awoke to the sound of rumbling and footsteps. A gang of henchmen formed a line and then split to allow the boss to pass through.

“The name’s Big Dino. You’ve got yourself in a bit of trouble, it seems.”

“Trouble?”

“You took my egg without permission.” Big Dino had heard of Theorem’s dimwittedness and used it to take advantage of the simpleton. “You see, I’m a massive dinosaur. And you’re a… medium-sized human. Dinosaurs come from eggs. This egg belongs to me.”

“Hmm. Dinosaurs come from eggs…” Theorem’s brain began to work on a theory that would solve this conflict. “...But you didn’t come from an egg.”

“I did.”

“I didn’t see it. That means you’re not a dinosaur.”

“Wha-” Big Dino furled his brow in frustration. He signaled for his men to seize the genius. “This guy’s dumber than we-”

Everyone paused for a moment as Big Dino seemed to be stunned. He began to fade away in front of everyone. After a few seconds, the henchmen all looked around and then fled the scene, leaving Theorem alone. His theory took the dinosaur from Big Dino, and a dinosaur was all he was.

“Where’d everyone go?” Theorem looked around and then shrugged, falling asleep shortly after.

In the morning, Theorem was awoken by a horde of reporters and policemen. Everyone shouted questions at him and the noise became too much. He shook his head and pointed at one reporter. The crowd grew silent as she asked her question.

“There were multiple reports that you took down BD right here without any violence! Could you please comment on what happened?”

“Hmm.” Theorem began to theorize, the crowd’s ears perked up awaiting the follow-up. “Time is like a spiral staircase and space is like a pendulum. As I climb, the pendulum swings. As I remain still, the pendulum remains still.”

Everyone’s faces scrunched as they contemplated for a moment possibly the most useless, ridiculous interpretation of anything they’d ever heard. It wasn’t just an interpretation anymore, however. Theorem’s words changed the fabric of reality. The egg beneath him turned to strips of space spiraling upwards along with everything around him. The entire universe was engraved on a spiral staircase, just as he theorized.

The great scientist and theorist looked around in awe of the void surrounding the staircase he stepped on. Each time he placed a bare foot down, it rippled like water onto all the pieces of the universe beneath his feet. As usual, he felt vindicated that his theory was correct, though he was not alone in observance.

“What did you do?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re here, so I’m guessing one of your theories did this.”

“Did what?”

“BROKE TIME… LOOK AROUND YOU. The universe is a staircase, you don’t see that and say ‘something’s off’?” the voice was given an appearance as a floating crustacean whizzed by Theorem. “Listen. I know you don’t think like everyone else. But you gotta keep your theories less universal.”

“How do I do that?”

“Stay away from the big three: time, space, and reality.”

“Okay.” Theorem’s mustache curled up as if he was smiling, happy to oblige. “So who are you? Why are you here?”

“I’m Shrimp Temporal. I’m usually the guy causing temporal disturbances.”

“You can call me Theorem. You’re my new friend.” Theorem proposed this theory, though it was already true.

“Not so new, Theorem.” Shrimp Temporal’s clock projected a montage of resets he had to do from Theorem’s more destructive theories. “This time, I’m worried. You didn’t just disrupt your world or your city. This is everything.” Shrimp Temporal floated to one stair of the staircase and began to tap it with all of his shrimp limbs. He continued, sounding completely stumped. “You’ve changed our universe’s time into something I cannot control.”

“You can control it.” Theorem replied. ST turned to him and smirked, having brought him exactly where he needed.

Shrimp Temporal’s freaky shrimp arms manipulated the stairs without issue. It unwound and the universe flowed backwards into position, everything back up to the moment Big Dino approached Theorem.

“This egg belongs to me.” Big Dino said menacingly. As the henchmen approached the egg, Theorem vanished, and the universe halted to Shrimp Temporal’s will.

Theorem floated outside of time beside Shrimp Temporal. He prepared to speak, but ST put a shrimp finger up to silence him.

“I need your help.”